


thoughts

by Bugcat



Category: Original Work
Genre: Literally And Figuratively, Multi, Rant, im a bitch, life - Freeform, wrote this on my phone so no capitalization or commas
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-13
Updated: 2019-03-13
Packaged: 2019-11-16 14:20:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,034
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18096008
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bugcat/pseuds/Bugcat
Summary: i’m tired but also sad. so i wrote whatever came to mind. i guess my past came to mind. rated M for some sexual themes.





	thoughts

**Author's Note:**

> note: there are no commas because my thoughts wouldn’t stop for commas. i didn’t include my ex because that was a huge mess of its own. i can explain in end notes i guess.
> 
> i pray that none of these people i mention actually read this or figure out it’s me. these characters belong to me. they are mine. they are characters because i say they are. because they appeared in my writing and only my writing, i claim ownership of lily, robin, nathan, chase, derek, jessica, bryan, and anyone else.

# Thoughts  
i wish things would end. i feel as if i’ve done nothing right in my life. there has been times where i wished things are better, but i am constantly reminded that there are people out there who have it worse than me. i keep repeating these thoughts over and over on my head. there are so many things that could have and should have gone wrong in my life. for starters, dad could have left us. he could have given up on us. but he didn’t. brother ran away once. he could’ve never returned. parents argue. when they do, i always wonder what’s the breaking point. when does one of them refuse to go on and just leave. dad could have left. mom could have left. i could have died in the swimming pool. lily could have let go and left me for dead. she could have saved herself and instead of struggling just let go. i could be starving on the streets. i could be homeless. i could be fighting for my survival. i could have been born in a tiger family. my parents didn’t have to love me. they didn’t have to take care of me. the hidden obligations weren’t really obligations. they could have left any time. but they didn’t. and that’s what makes it worse. i don’t deserve to feel miserable. my family loves me. life is well. i’m not starving. i’m fat. i’m not sick. maybe just mental. there’s no child abuse. brother came back. brother is happy. is he really though? he could have been a historian. he could have been a teacher. a history teacher. but the tutor said he should go into a computer major instead. and so he did. and so he started failing. and so he dropped out. and so he stays home. and so he works in a convenient store. and so he lives. what a life. i’m none of those. i do wish to be a doctor. and engineer. a something. my grades are good. they are better than expected. especially after what my brother went through. my poor brother. he never admits it but everyone knows that he was bullied. he grew up in a different town and we moved when he was in middle school. you know middle school is where hormones are raging. my poor poor brother. i’m so lucky that i grew up in this city. i never had to move. i never had to make new friends. i never had to stand others making fun of me. i never had to start anew with no encouragement. i was lucky. i wish i was lucky. i wish i felt as lucky as they say. i did grow up in this city my whole life but i’ve always felt lonely. i used to have best friends in elementary school. it seemed like everyone had one. it was like a trend that was obligatory. so i had lily. and i only had lily. i used to have robin and nathan and derek as well but derek moved away. robin and nathan stayed by dut people made fun of girls and boys being friends. being more than friends. girls and boys. boys and girls. must have not mixed. didn’t mixed. you couldn’t be just friends. i could’ve stayed friends with robin. instead i pushed him away. his little sister came up to me and asked why i stopped being friends with him. she told me he misses me. i never answered her.

i did have a crush on nathan. we both knew how to speak the same language. english was not my first language no matter how much she tells me it is. it is not. i didn’t not know english. i was enrolled into ELL. so much for knowing english. anyways. nathan was cute. he was nice to me. he cared about me. maybe. or maybe i was just an annoying thorn in the side that he had to answer and help because he was the only other speaker. or maybe because he had to keep up appearances. or maybe i never stopped bothering him on the simplest things. like how lamb is spelled lam not lamb but he was right of course. lamb is spelled with a b and everyone who was unfortunate enough to be listening on that conversation must have thought that i was an idiot. 

lily. lily was my bff. she left me. fifth grade. there was another girl. jessica. jessica? maybe. she was prettier. cooler. taller. nicer? more nice to hang around with. i was just a bundle of awkward. she wasn’t. i wasn’t what she was. i wasn’t pretty or cool. and definitely not tall. i wish i was all those things. i still see her sometimes these days. she’s still pretty and tall. and she has even more friends now. she brushed lily aside for other friends. but they still hang out. i wish i still hung out with lily. i got into a fight with her in fourth grade. that must have been where things fell apart. i felt so lonely. there was no one to talk to in middle school. in the argument i was walking on a log and i tipped over. she laughed at me. i was oversensitive. i attacked her. i sent her to the nurse’s office. i’m a bitch. i never forgave myself. the teacher thought i was crazy. she put me on the bench. all i had was caterpillars to accompany me. that was the most company i’ve ever had. they crawled on my hand and i watched. they were unique. they were also starving so i dropped them off on some tree leaves.

in middle school i found a new friend. her name is talia. she was cool. she drew really well. well i thought it was good at the time. she tolerated my existence. we sat next to each other in homeroom. our last names were alphabetically close. we introduced ourselves. i attached myself to her and never wished to let go. she was so warm. she was so nice. she was nice when she cared. she cared. we skype called. we ate lunch together. we hung out together. i liked her. i wanted this to last forever. but why didn’t she like me. why didn’t she play with me. why did we sit in silence in skype. she stopped talking to me. we weren’t in the same homeroom anymore. she’s moved on. she’s found other people who re equally captivated. eighth grade. we’re in the same homeroom again. i’m older. i want to let her know my feelings. i love you talia. that’s weird she said. i don’t like you that way. did she say that? chase also liked her. i always wanted to be near her. i always was touching her and making bad jokes. bad sexual jokes. oh god. i hate myself.

chase and i. we both got rejected. we bonded over that. talia. i loved her. i did i did i did. i really did. i wish she cared. but she never told me anything. she has a girlfriend. she also liked girls. or was it just cheryl. is it just her. where did it all go wrong. i found out in highschool but they were together since middle school. i thought we were best friends. why wasn’t it mutual. why wasn’t anything i felt mutual. we were best friends weren’t we? i always called you my best friend. i thought we were. i thought you would at least tell me. stuff. anything. all you did was draw. enraptured in your own world of love and fantasies. i’m sad. chase is sad too. we’re friends.

eleventh grade. sleepover at chase’s house with others. we’re older. we play footsies. it’s supposed to mean something. we snuggle on a beanie. it’s something. it’s warm. but it’s not the same. talia. chase. i’m not replacing you he tells me. i wish that was true. i wish chase filled the hole that talia left. i wish this worked out. we cuddled. we got warm. it got more. he went up against me. i touched back. i put my mouth against his. he put his tongue in mine. it felt disgusting. more kisses. i keep my mouth firmly closed. i touch him. i suck him off. maybe it’ll feel better than kissing. it doesn’t. my technique is bad as well. is this everyone’s first time nightmare. i jerked him off instead. that didn’t work either. he couldn’t come from my mouth or my hand. in the end he jerked himself to completion. i’m a failure. i can’t human properly. i’ve watched enough porn at that point to know that that wasn’t supposed to happen. or maybe it was. but it wasn’t. i know it wasn’t. what went wrong? i’ve read that kissing felt magical. it was consensual. it was warm. it was wet. it was disgusting. it made my stomach churn. i got up and went to the couch. he tries to spoon me. i move onto another couch. i sleep. i wake up in the morning. i feel dead. everyone else is lively. i pretend that that never happened. we pretend that never happened. i never want to do anything again. i wanted to go home and crawl into bed and curl up into fetal position and sleep. maybe cry as well. definitely cry as well. why did it hurt so much that i couldn’t get him off. why did it feel like that i couldn’t do anything right. my ability to make someone cum from a blowjob or a handjob doesn’t define me. but it does say that i can’t do that right. and for all my life i knew that i couldn’t do anything right. what was right anymore. why did this affect me as much as it did. why was i not enough. was i really not a replacement. how could that have been. after middle school he never spoke to me again prior to the sleepover. i decided then and there that yes i was just a replacement for him and that yes this was a one night stand and those exist and are normal to a certain extent.

of course none of this contributes to the way i feel currently. i feel as if my life is falling apart. i want to get addicted to something. to drawing or reading or sleeping or even better. drugs. i want to drown in addiction. i want to forget reality. i wish i never have to see the faces that left me feeling empty and cold inside. i wish talia nathan robin and chase never happened. i wish i could do things over. i wish i never discovered how disgusting kissing was. if it was under different circumstances i wonder if my first kiss would’ve made a difference in how disgusting it is. i can not stand it. i need out. i need out fast. i can’t go on seeing their faces anymore. i can’t go on seeing that everyone has someone while i have no one. bffs are still in trend aren’t they? where was mine? or is it too late to make one. everyone seems to have one. there’s no one like me. alone. yet not alone. i’ve been lucky. i’ve grown up with these people. i never had to make new friends. i never had to experience the pain of my friends being ripped away. i never had been bullied. i was never told to do something else instead of my one passion. my parents learned after my brother. i was born after my brother. my parents had more experience. they knew what worked and what didn’t. i’m not a failure. i feel like a failure. i will never be enough. i am lucky. i didn’t have to go through all the hardships that my brother had to. that my parents had to.

i feel like dying. 

i feel miserable.

i should just sleep.

just a few more weeks. senior year is almost over. i’ll never have to see them again. i can leave and never return.

**Author's Note:**

> so i have an ex. bryan. not brain like i always joked about. we met over the internet. yes, that’s a red flag already. he’s special. he’s also a liar. i ask for selfies. i thought our relationship has gotten to that point. i thought i could trust him. he sends me vietnamese actor pictures instead. i get fooled into believing that’s him. it was really too good to be true. then i reverse searched. then i went bitch mode. one day i just exploded. i couldn’t take it anymore. it felt degrading to be around him and his friends. i felt stupid. i felt like everything i said was stupid. i was always mad and tense. there came a point i couldn’t laugh and smile around him anymore. once i told him that i was sick in bed and he sent a drawing that he did. or he supposedly did. it was me sleeping in bed with pills right next to me. it was so believable. that was exactly how i looked. short black hair. pills. his signature. i reverse search. images pop up without his signature. what do i believe? what could i believe? no one. not even myself.
> 
> anyways. i blew up and tried to forget he existed. it was after a call gone wrong in a discord server. i just blocked him and left all the servers i shared with him. i was sent screenshots of what other people said. overreacting they said. a bitch they said. they’re right i said. i can’t care anymore.
> 
> yep. that’s pretty much it. ive forgotten some of the minor details. my forgetting methods worked that well. i’m sorry that everything looks so unprofessional.


End file.
